I kept my eyes closed
Nov 13, 2013
The last three weeks of Dezma's life were spent at MD Anderson hospital. Where the Child Life Specialist, doctors and staff did all they could to make life more comfortable for Dezma as she transitioned over into God's arms.
As time progressed, Dezma's energy level and breathing became more difficult for her to maintain. It is a personal and difficult story to relay.
I will say that in her final hours, she called for me and I quickly came to her side. As she struggled to breathe, I asked Jesus to come into that room at that very moment and take her from this world. I held her hand, I closed my eyes and said these words: "Lord Jesus, please have mercy on my baby, please take her from this world. She is too beautiful to be here. She needs you right now, she needs your comfort, she needs your arms." That very moment, I felt her hand get cold and her soul leave her body. My God took her when I asked Him to. He relieved her from her suffering because I asked Him to.
I kept my eyes closed. I never looked at her again. To me, that was not my baby. Her spirit left her shell of a body. I knew God took HER. Her body was just the shell.
I kept my eyes closed, I covered my face. I walked out of the room once the nurse said she was gone.
I kept my eyes closed. I wanted to remember her the way I always saw her and I walked out of the room. In a daze.
Since Dezma has gone, my eyes have been opened to so much. But most importantly is how much we need each other. How much we can all make a difference in this world. It doesn't matter how small or insignificant an action is. Showing love to someone, helping one other, having compassion, is something you should never ever second guess or wait to do.
Showing love, compassion, helping one another along this difficult road is what we were put here to do.
Thank you to my friends and few family members that have supported me along this road. It was not an easy one -- but you chose to continue to walk this path with me regardless of how difficult it would be for YOU. YOU SHOWED ME WHO I WILL STRIVE TO BE. I ask God every day to show me a person I can be compassionate towards, smile, help, encourage ...
Thank you God for you and thank you God for this mission and the LLS!!!
I WILL LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE TO CHANGE THIS WORLD.
There are many moments I hate to talk about, this is one of them
Oct 30, 2013
There are many moments I hate to talk about, this is one of them.
From November to February we tried 3 to 4 different chemotherapy regimens. Each time Dezma's body was responding to the treatment, but each time the cancer would return. These treatments only extended her life.
In February, Dezma's Doctor took her father and I into a small hallway and said there is no other treament regiment available we can try. There is just nothing available and there are no open clinical trials at this time. There is a clnical trial opening up in Tennesse in the middle of April although, I am sorry to say I do not feel she will make it to that date.
My heart feel once again into my stomach. My shoulders dropped, defeated. My face went into pleading. There has to be something that we can try. What about the little that was cured with the HIV virus. Why can't we try that with AML? How much money do I have to raise? I will do anything. Please tell me what we have to do.
Then it happened, the doctor started crying. He covered his mouth and said I am so sorry, this is so difficult for me because she is so strong. He looked at her through the window and I hate that I don't have anything else to give her.
How long do we have?
Three to four weeks.
Dezma was not chemo resistant
Oct 18, 2013
Dezma was very very sick beginning in October to the beginning of December. Dezma always hung on to the hope that she would receive her miracle. She refused to take any of her medicines. She felt worse when she took them. In the interest of wanting her to be the most comfortable she could be, I allowed that. She had so many side effects from the medicines she was taking.
One evening when taking her a bath, she removed her clothing and all she was, was skin and bones. It was a difficult moment for both of us. We just stared at each other. I put her in the bath tub and she was a literal skeleton.
It was a very tough thing...
After her treatment through Thanksgiving, she seemed to perk up a little. It was obvious that whatever they gave her, was helping in some way. She was able to feel well enough to have a semi-normal Christmas with us.
Make A Wish threw her a Grease themed party. This is what she wanted was to hang out with her friends to try to be normal. The pictures always show her smiling. But in reality, she threw up so many times and was feeling awful. We were able to capture moments on camera with smiles. My baby always ALWAYS smiled.
From October to February Dezma received a number of chemotherapy treatments. What is very important for all of you to understand is that MOST people acquire a resistance towards chemotherapy. When this happens, the doctors will tell you, we have to stop giving you treatments. Dezma's body wasn't doing this. Her body was still responding to chemotherapy treatments. BUT it wasn't the right treatment, it wasn't the cure.
This is why it is SOOOOOO IMPORTANT for us to raise this money .... WE NEED YOUR HELP.
A Few Pictures
Oct 14, 2013
HER LAST HALLOWEEN COSTUME
ONE OF HER MOST FAVORITE THINGS TO DO, BAKE!
October 2012 three months to live
Oct 07, 2013
October 2012 --- they told us at a routine check up Dezma would not live for another three months.
"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible." - Ruth Belle Graham
Home hospice care set up a hospital bed in my living room. An IV pole, suction machine, pills piled up on pills. I organized what she had to take in a pill box. These pills were going to keep the leukemia under control for a little while till she received chemotherapy at MD Anderson.
She was admitted back in the hospital to receive chemotherapy. The hospital needed to re-input her PICC line in order to administer her medicines. I now realize, the reason they never gave her Port Access is because they already knew what we were going to try had little chance of working and did not want to be too intrusive.
The procedure was done bedside, unfortunately there was a horrible accident while they were operating on her. The nurse that was doing the procedure blew a major vein. It was very painful for Dezma and very scary for me to see this. I was in the room when this was happening. Dezma was wide awake and knew all that was going on. She screamed out "I THOUGHT MD ANDERSON WAS THE BEST CANCER HOSPITAL IN THE WORLD ?!"
Her arm blew up about three times its size. It was painful for her to move it at all.
But just like everything else, Dezma got through it, moved on and smiled. She was a fighter. They rescheduled the procedure in the Operating Room this time. Here she is about to go in:
While at MD Anderson Dezma needed many blood and platelet transfusions to keep her feeling well.
They administered her new chemotherapy through Thanksgiving, I wanted to waste no time. It only took us about a week and we were able to come back home. Her doctor wanted her home as much as possible because that is what made Dezma happiest.
It was now all about making sure she was happy and comfortable.